Continuing with the funny Uncle Alberts Adivice movies, this times it on kissing. Don’t take him too seriously though. I hope you like it:
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Tag: funny
Yes guys we have a video treat for you this time. It’s a sex mad man’s free video. It’s Uncle Afred with funny take on life, using video to give free advice on dating, sex and all sorts of issues. He a sort of a sex mad agony aunt.
Well we hope you enjoyed Uncle’s video – He’s sex mad or may be just mad. We hope to bring you some more of his free videos soon
Ok, lets have a little fun with this one….
The good: First date that started with just dinner plans and lasted 8 HOURS (with no significant funny business)
The bad: First date that talks about having jumped on some of her son’s friends.
The funny: First date that asks me how long I’ve been divorced….and I’m widowed. So, I say…”I’m not!” which almost gets me maced before I can deliver the punch-line.
Read more: http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/494763-first-date-stories-good-bad-funny.html#ixzz0iiiAyWEQ
Here is one funny dating story we have found – why don’t you ad more?
Warning of Male Date-Drug used by Ugly Women
(Be sure to watch the video below – for Good Advice)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females now use a date-drug to get sex. The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. The liquid drug is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home have sex, well sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of this nice tasting drug and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several pints , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
This drug which seems to be freely available everywhere is called “Beer” and after drinking “Beer” , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that ‘something bad’ occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as ‘a relationship’ . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as ‘marriage’. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this ‘Beer ‘ scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up ‘Golf Courses’ in the phone book.
Check out this video to see how Beer works susceptible men:
This movie requires Flash Player 9
Many thanks to the member who sent this in and to the creators – great stuff and good advice.
Do You Measure Up?
The average size of a male penis when it is erect penis is 5 inches, and the average flaccid penis measures about 2½ inches. – Yeh! Told you so.
A Great Excuse for a Blow Job
The Human Male’s Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay. – Better Brush Carefully
Like a Good Workout
You burn about 200 calories during 30 minutes of active sex. – More fun than the Gym though.
Oooh Yuk!
Burlesque costumes are very sexy, Yeh. A few years ago, the outfits had a slightly different purpose. Merkins (the bottom half of burlesque costumes) were originally created as “pubic wigs” for 15th century prostitutes. The design were to help hide pubic lice and syphilis symptoms. – I am itching somewhere now.
Great Medicine for Women
The vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female “hysteria” during the 19th century. The vibrator was use to induced orgasms and helped doctors relieve hysteria and anxiety related symptoms.
Hop On
The well known “Rabbit” is renowned for two things I am told: the excellent results and an odd smiley face on its tip. The smiley face is actually a result of conservative Japanese ladies. Apparently, Japanese customers don’t like their sex toys to too closely resemble a male cock, so the smiley face was added. – Think I will get a tattoo, before my hols to Japan
….
Keeping Our Guys on the Front Line Safe.
Today they get warnings and are supplied with all sorts to keeps their sex safe. However the government-issued brochures and movies featured a slightly different slogan during the WWII era – “Don’t forget – Put it on before you put it in.” During the Second World War, lots of soldiers returned home with all sorts of diseases, costing the government millions of dollars in medical expenses.
Dead Serious Stuff for Married Men
Thinking if cheating on the wife. In Hong Kong, adulterous husbands get more than being stitched up for money – a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her husband if he cheats on her – but she may only do so with her bare hands. – Morel: Don’t go looking for a bit on the side or marry a woman with small weak hands.
The American Way
The sale of sex toys and vibrators is banned in Alabama and Mississippi.
Always cuming to our members help we at TheAdultCafe have found you some more chat up lines, these have been selected for being a bit on the raunchy side:
”Do you normally sleep on your stomach?” “Would you mind if I did tonight?”
Use index finger to call a girl over: “I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest.”
”Did we fuck last weekend?” “No!” “Shall we fuck this weeking then”
”Would you have a look at my Lap top” “I am having trouble with pop ups”
”I am sure I know you from somewhere” “just bend over that table for a minute and show me your arse”
”Do you work for Parcel Force?” “I saw you checking out my package when I walked in
”Hey love, can I tickle your belly button” ” from the inside?”
”Honey, will you be my love buffet?” “You lay on the table and we have little nipples take what I want?”
”I may not be the best looking guy in here” “But I probably have the biggest cock” —- “You don’t believe me” “put your hand down there”
Aladdin's Chat Up Line
”I want to melt in your mouth” “not in your hand.”
“I would like to kiss you passionately on the lips” “then move slowly up to your navel”.
Call a girl over with your finger and when when she gets there say “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”
”If your left leg is Easter and your right leg is Christmas” “can I visit you between the holidays?”
”Im like domino’s pizza” “if you dont come in 30 minutes the next one is free.”
”I am not feeling myself today” ” Will you?”
”Is it cold in here?” ” or are you just happy to see me?”
”My taxi is waiting to give me a ride” “can you give me one?”
”There are a lot of fish in the sea it is true” “You are the only one I’d like to catch and mount back at my place”.
”Sure I am the hardest man in the room” “But only when I slow dance with you”
”Looking for a place to sit?” “You can have my face if you like.”
”Why are you going now?” “stay with me and you could be cuming?
”Would you like to try an Australian kiss?” “It is just like a French kiss, but down under.”
”Your place or mine?” “Toss a coin, head at my place, tail at yours.”
As it is holiday time we thought you might like some help with some important holiday phrases:
Will you have sex with me?
French: allez-vous avoir des relations sexuelles avec moi?
German: haben Sie Sex mit mir?
Spanish: va a tener sexo conmigo?
Swedish: commer du ha sex med mig?
I have a rash
French: J’ai une éruption cutanée
German: Ich habe einen Ausschlag
Spanish: Tengo una erupción
Swedish: Jag har ett utslag
Have a Great Holiday
I bet you have never seen a penis this big before
French: Je parie que vous ne l’avez jamais vu un pénis de cette grande avant
German: Ich wette, Sie noch nie einen Penis vor diesem großen
Spanish: Apuesto a que nunca había visto un pene grande antes de esta
Swedish: Jag slår vad om att du aldrig sett en penis här stora innan
How much for a Blow Job?
French: Combien coûte un Blow Job?
German: Wie viel für einen Blow Job?
Spanish: ¿Cuánto por una mamada?
Swedish: Hur mycket kostar en Blow Job?
This condom is too small
French: Ce préservatif est trop petit
German: Das Kondom ist zu klein
Spanish: Este preservativo es demasiado pequeño
Swedish: Denna kondom är för liten
Here at TheAdultCafe we like to help
A man dials 999 and calls emergency: “Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!”
Five minutes later, the same man calls back:” It is OK, I found another one.”
Husband have bought condoms with different flavours and shows his wife and says: “Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess which flavour.”
Shortly after she turns out the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: “Gorgonzola!”………..”Wait, it is not on yet.”
What’s the odd one out : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
“Blowjob”: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a Blowjob.
Daddy – What is Sex?
A little girl comes into the lounge where her Daddy is watching TV, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
Hmm he thinks, and slightly embarrassed, her Daddy sits her down and talks to her about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. Her Daddy then goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. His daughter is somewhat dumbstruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her Daddy then asks: “So what made you ask me about sex?” “Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”
How can you tell if your husband is dead? … The sex is the same but you get to use the TV remote (rigour mortice)
How can you tell if your wife is dead? … The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? … One’s a Goodyear; the other’s a great year.
We would love to here your favourite jokes!
It all seemed to get going with the Victorians and they had choices: while latex wasn’t around yet, you could still get your “French Letters” made from sheep intestine, oiled linen, or even that modern innovation, vulcanized rubber. The rubber ones were made by dipping a mold into rubber, or earlier, by putting two rubber sheets on the mold then dipping them in benzene so they melted together into a sheath. Hmmm, a nice thing, the rubber ones were meant to be washed out and reused again and again. Interesting to look at their washing lines.
Condoms go back a long way…and condom use can be traced back for several thousand years.
Condom of the 1800,s
100-200 A.D. – The earliest evidence of condom use in Europe comes from scenes in cave paintings at Combarelles in France.
1500s – In Italy, research by Gabrielle Fallopius found the linen sheath useful for avoiding infection and later discovered that is was useful for the prevention of pregnancy.
1700s – The naming of the condom is a bit of a mystery. Some believe it was named after a “Dr. Condom,” who, it was said, supplied King Charles II of England with animal tissue sheaths. Some believe the the condom was named after a “Dr. Condon” or “Colonel Cundum.” Most likely it though is that it came from the Latin word “condom,” which means “receptacle.”
1844 – Goodyear and Hancock began to mass-produce condoms made out of vulcanized rubber, a stronger and more elastic material, more consistent than animal skins.
1861 – The first advertisement for condoms was published in an American newspaper, when The New York Times published an advertisement for “Dr. Power’s French Preventatives.”
1873 – The Comstock Law was passed i the USA. It prohibited the advertising of any sort of birth control products. It also empowered the postal service to confiscate condoms sold through the mail.
1880s – The first latex condom was maufacturered, although it was to be the 1930s before these were in widespread use.
Early 1900s – Social hygienists fought to prohibit the use of condoms by Americans, resulting in U.S. troops in World War I having the highest rate of STDs — over 70%! During World War II though, the US government aggressively promoted the use of condoms.
1960s – The sexual revolution of the ’60s, the swinging sixties, resulted in a decline in condom use. During this period the youth of the day practised free love — without the use of a condom.
1980s – HIV and AIDS was big news, It was stated that other than abstinence, the most effective way to protect against HIV was to use a latex condom each and every time you have sex. A major, world wide, advertising campaign promoted the use of the condom even on mainstream TV – Safe Sex.
1990s – From the 1990 to today has seen the introduction of a large number of different types of condoms, including colored condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, studded condoms, glow-in-the-dark condoms, and large condoms, as well as the first polyurethane condom.
The Lazy Jane:
You fuck her slowly while she sleeps – ideal for long relationships
The Imagination
She is 18 beautiful with perfect tits and great arse and will do anything you want – to start close yours eyes and put your cock in your hand. – No chance of being rejected
The Frog
You have a wank in the bath, she uses the same water and your sperm floats inside her – also in her hair – best to keep it secret if she won’t agree first.
The Rodeo
You mount her from behind as you might a horse, then reach around and grab her breasts, then whisper in her ear “Hey, your tits feel just like your mothers!!” Then you see if you can stay on for 15 seconds wihtout getting thrown off!!
The Pussy First
To try and get round her, you are nice to her and you feed, stroke and play with her cat. If that don’t do it – fuck it! Get the Vaseline – it great to have a tight little pussy in your cock. (stay away from the teeth end though”
The Seventy Three (73)
You fuck in the back of a bus – more exciting is the 84, its a double decker.
The Plumber
You wait all day, but still nobody cums. Similar is the electrician, but he has screwdriver (or are you pleased to me ) in his pocket.
The Porn Star
Chat up a beautiful women with big fake tits, tell her you are the mail man, get her naked and fuck her in every hole for one hour – make sure all your have been invited round to watch while having a wank.
The Banker
Every body gets screwed – you, me – everybody.
The Politician
You invite two prostitutes round to your hotel room, you fuck one, you fuck the other, you have anal sex, they both give you a blow job and you cum in their mouths and over their tits – then – put the whole lot, including drinks, hotel room and taxis all on your expenses.
SexyFunForGirls.com – United Kingdom
The Love Finder Cafe – South Africa
TheAdultCafe.com – Australia
TheAdultCafe.com – United Sates